My husband, my killer

Husbands, love your wives and do not treat them harshly’’

… The Holy Bible

The evil that men do lives after them. Last week, a court in Lagos convicted one Akolade Arowolo for the gruesome murder of his banker-wife, Titilayo. The celebrated case which began in 2011 had left Nigerians in shock for its sheer brutality. But the marriage between the “two star crossed lovers’’, contracted in 2008, had reportedly been characterised by abuse, in-laws’ intrigues and violence. In the brief years they lived together, their union was said to be the antithesis of a happily married life. It was thus ironical that “death finally did them part’’. The conviction of Akolade for the murder of his wife signalled a tragic end to a stormy marriage. But it also puts closure to the search for truth by the family of Titilayo.

The couple’s tempestuous marriage was known to family and friends but what happened on the fateful day of June 24, 2011 had remained a mystery. On that day, Titilayo was found dead in their Lagos apartment. She had been stabbed many times in the most gruesome manner. Testimonies of first responders at the murder scene revealed a mutilated body of Titilayo that would shock even the most veteran of homicide detectives. This much was revealed during cross-examinations. The case against Arowolo seemed incontrovertible. The prosecution had built a watertight case against the defence. For one, the marriage had been abusive. The court had learnt that Titilayo had been a victim of domestic violence.  As the case progressed, it had become clear that the suspect stood no chance. The case before Justice Lateefat Okunnu seemed cut and dried. But we must give her credit for being tenacious and thorough in seeing that justice was done.

The role of the Office of Public Prosecution for piecing together all the circumstantial evidences is also commendable. The highlights of the facts leading to the guilty verdict point to a well-investigated case.  Arowolo, whose theatrics and testimony in the court did nothing to convince the judge, will now await the hangman’s noose.  The accused was inconsistent in his testimony. His contradictory statements that his late wife stabbed herself were unbelievable. This contrasted sharply with the result of the autopsy conducted by John Obafunwa, a Professor of Forensic Pathology and the Chief Examiner of the Lagos State University Teaching Hospital. The forensic evidence, which served to be the main evidence that nailed the accused, had revealed that Titilayo was stabbed 76 times.  Arowolo was also the last person to see his wife alive. This also worked against him because the “doctrine of the last seen’’ states that the last person at the scene of a crime bears full responsibility for the deceased. The Arowolo family had also tried desperately to prove his innocence. But it only led to so many inconsistencies in their testimony that further provided the prosecution with evidence to prove their case. In the end, Arowolo was given the death sentence.

There are, however, lessons to be learnt from the tragic case of the Arowolos.

I had followed the case closely since the violent death of Titilayo. I had been interested because her death was a sad climax of the violence women suffer in our society today. Their turbulent relationship is typical of such marriages which often end tragically. Marriage is a beautiful thing. It is a union where two people are meant to enjoy close relationship leading to a lifetime of togetherness and happiness. But marriage is also an institution where compromise plays a mutual role. It is a union of give-and-take where one party must sometimes play the fool. It is not an ego trip. It is not a winner-takes-all game no matter who is involved. Marriage may be a unique institution, but the endemic scourge of domestic violence in many families today has shown that it does not always end in the story book happy ever after ending. In a situation where the union of two becomes violent, when the parties begin to hit out at the other, then marriage has crossed the line of love to the one in which hatred takes root. In the case of the Arowolos, murder became the inevitable endgame. In the Nigeria of today, domestic violence perpetrated by mostly the husband dominates many unions. Though there are situations where women are the aggressors, they still constitute the major victims. A few, like the Arowolos, have resulted in murder. Women have been maimed by their husbands. Some men even beat their pregnant wives. Matrimonial rape is common.

Domestic violence also cuts across borders and social divides. The elite, the religious, captains of industry and the well-heeled are involved. The culture of domestic violence has become ingrained because the society frowns on divorce even when a woman is at the centre of extreme brutality. The faiths also preach that divorce is not an option. However, can a man who claims to love his wife but turns her into a punching bag be said to love the same woman?  The law also has done little to protect victims of domestic violence. At police stations, the reports of violence are viewed as private matter – a family affair. Bizarrely, the police do not believe that matrimonial rape exists.

Victims of domestic violence have also come to a fatalistic acceptance of their fate. For example, Titilayo was said to have had the opportunity to quit the marriage. But she reportedly believed that her husband would change from his violent ways. She was alleged to have said, “God will take control of his heart’’. Sadly, such a fatalistic mindset is the reason why women stay back in violent relationships.  According to statistics, between half and two-thirds of Nigerian women are victims of violence. Domestic violence can be devastating to families, but its effect on the entire society runs even deeper. Survivors often return to abusive relationships because they can’t support themselves and their children. Going back to an abusive relationship may seem safer than facing a life of grinding poverty. Physical abuse is the type of domestic violence most commonly discussed. But economic abuse using finances as a tool for power and control happens just as frequently.

Women also believe that they must stay in a violent marriage because of their children. I have often heard when women say “if I leave now, my children will suffer’’. To such women, I ask: If you die, won’t the children still suffer? Now that Titilayo has made the supreme sacrifice for domestic violence, what will happen to their only child? The argument is not tenable.  Families have also contributed to the deepening of the scourge.

They will send their daughters back to her violent husband whom she has sought refuge from. They fear the stigma of being stigmatised as the mother or father of a divorced daughter. But which is better — a divorcee daughter or a dead one? I am glad Arowolo will be made to face the consequences of his murderous rage.  There is no better judgment than the hangman’s noose.  He is a tragic deterrent to all the violent men out there. My advice to women victims of domestic violence has always been the same: Quit the marriage now; before death do you part.